life just isn't fair.

this morning i went to the dr. because i was having some unusual bleeding. they did an ultrasound, and there was definitely a baby...just no heartbeat. i have to admit that it was absolutely traumatizing to see my baby and realize it was not moving and had not grown in two weeks. the ultrasound tech kept having me cough to hopefully activate some movement or a hearbeat. nothing. it just sat there like a rock. no wonder my pants weren't getting much tighter. and no wonder i couldn't believe something the size of a fig was in my belly... it never got that big. i thought i felt a flutter from the baby a few days ago. i guess that was just wishful thinking since the baby hasn't progressed at all in 2 weeks. which also explains my lack of morning sickness. i would rather throw up every day for 9 months than to feel this loss.

i am having a d and c tomorrrow afternoon. the doctor said i'm too far along to pass it naturally without a tremendous amount of pain.

i know God has His reasons. i promise that i really do know that. but geesh. i had hoped 2009 was going to look a lot better than 2008... but it's already worse, and if you know my story of 2008, then you know that's hard to come by.

although today totally sucks, i have never been so grateful to hug ben when he came running through the door after his nana brought him home this afternoon. maybe God is teaching me to be content. maybe He's teaching me patience. maybe He's teaching me to trust Him more. i am sure there are a million things to be learned... but do you think today i can forget about learning and just be sad? i think so.

i feel so many things. i feel selfish, sad, and angry. i even feel a little hungry, but then i feel guilty even thinking about eating. i feel like my whole body is just sitting in my throat about to eject itself at any second... and, the worst part is, i also feel as if i deserve this. i know my God doesn't work that way. but man, the devil is really having fun with this. i know it sounds like my attitude is not quite as it should be right now... but i will get there. maybe in a few minutes, maybe in a few days or weeks. i know with God's help, i'll get there. i certainly can't do it without Him. i know He's with me, otherwise i wouldn't even have the strength to write this.

when He shuts one door, He always opens another, right?