trying to remain calm.

i am on day 8 of my doctor induced bed rest. i went yesterday for a check up and after a wonderful shot that i have been told i have to do for about four more weeks (yipee) to keep my baby incubator "relaxed," my doctor tells me he just wants me to get to a "safe zone." here's how that conversation went...

"uh, what safe zone?" i ask.
"i'll be happy if you just make it to 35 weeks," the man says.
"35 weeks!!! i'll be happy if i make it 40 weeks!!" replies the all-of-the-sudden-feeling-so-unprepared-crazy-pregnant-lady. with ben being born 2 days before his due date, the idea of having any sort of premature baby has never really crossed my mind. well, it's crossed it, but never long enough to settle.

and then here is what my mind produces in a matter of about 20 seconds...35 weeks is in 5 weeks. 35 weeks is november 13th. ben's birthday is novemeber 16th. in 5 weeks ben won't even be four yet. at 35 weeks we won't have even been out for thanksgiving break yet. graham's car seat hasn't arrived. where the HECK is his car seat??? i feel like i ordered it forever ago. i don't know where all 900 of our bottles are. bottles...bottles...? wait, do i even use bottles? oh. holy COW. i could be breastfeeding in five freaking weeks. i only have 11 sick days left. whose idea was this anyway? 35 weeks is two weeks away from him being full term. what if something goes wrong? what if his lungs aren't ready? we don't own a single diaper yet. i have no soap for graham. ben was allergic to everything. if graham got here today, he'd have to walk around dirty. (deeeeeep breath) i gotta go to target.

i find most all of my thoughts end that way...you know, with a big bulls-eye. and don't pretend you don't know what i'm talking about...and then of course, i've lived my life long enough to know that new year's eve will be here and somehow i'll still be pregnant. that's just how my luck goes.

but no matter how the chips may fall, or how the cookie crumbles (or whatever cliche you'd like to insert there), i can't wait to see my little graham cracker. i can tell his personality is already a bit too much like mine... impatient and fidgety. maybe this kid will be my running buddy. :) from the kicks i've received, his legs should be juiced.

which reminds me, i can't WAIT to start running again. i know it will be a while, but i am so excited to have that part of my life back soon. won't ben and graham look precious wearing this shirt at my race in april?